I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
two words...techno handjob
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
