I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize