Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
