my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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