We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
