apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
