my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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