I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
