fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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