i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize