she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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