discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
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