she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
