Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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