we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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