my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
