My liver just broke up with me...
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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