hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
