god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize