Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
