Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
