Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
