I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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