After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
