You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
