This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Randomize
