The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
