His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
