my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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