I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
