just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
