I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I skipped work to stalk him.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
