My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
as a side note pls kill me
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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