The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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