I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
