oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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