Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
