I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
