I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
