tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Pants are for mortals
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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