No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
