I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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