She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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