wanna go halves on a baby?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
