Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I believe in your delicious
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize