I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
