the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
third nipple confirmed
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize