I hate your face
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
