Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
