I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
