I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Randomize
