I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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