I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
