my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize
