lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Randomize
