Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
