God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
