is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
