he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
